It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
