I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
