haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
