Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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