y did u give ur computer a hand job?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
