got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
