Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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