I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
