Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
