1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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