All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
