My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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