Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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