I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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