No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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