People in love make me want to vomit
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize