I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
ok first of all what the fuck
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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