His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
