Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
