I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
