I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
