god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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