Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
