I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You've changed since you got that strap on
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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