dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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