Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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