I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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