life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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