i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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