i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
