I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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