I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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