he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
