to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
