Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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