I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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