i'm signing you up for texting rehab
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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