i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
