Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
