The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
