I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
