the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
