Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
