Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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