Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
