I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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