Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
