Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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