I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
