You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
