the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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