she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
