so explain again why im purple
no
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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